“Nothing scares me more than when a woman
starts bouncing up really high.”
It might be hard to fathom that men could
hate any s*x position, but, in fact, some do.
Of course, “hate” is a rather strong choice of
word (let’s amend that, shall we?), but for
many men, just as with many women, there
are some sex positions out there that they can
just completely do without. And, from what
I’ve gathered, most of those dreaded positions
are in the pages of your closest Cosmo
magazine. Are you surprised? (No!)
But in all seriousness, there are very few
perfect sex positions that everyone, all men
and all women, truly love. Each body is
different from the next in the way they’re
made and how they respond to pleasure, and
once you throw in kinky tendencies and overall
preferences, it’s hard to say that one position,
in particular, is the greatest, most exciting
position of all, for everyone.
Since that’s the case for the good positions,
the same logic goes for least favorite ones.
Simply: one man’s “most awful” is another
man’s “most awesome.”
I talked to a handful of guys about sex
positions and which ones they couldn’t be
even less thrilled about if they tried. Here’s
what they had to say.
1.Standing Up
“I can do without standing up… or to be precise,
standing up, facing each other. Standing up from
behind is awesome, but standing up facing one
another is too much work for too little payoff.
Unless you are like superhumanly strong and the
girl weighs 90 pounds it’s not fun,” says Gordon,
35.
2. Cowgirl With Excessive Bouncing
“I love when a woman is on top and knows how
to work it. But, full disclosure, nothing scares me
more than when a woman starts bouncing really
high and up off my penis. It’s in those situations
that I fear she’ll come back down, miss getting it
in the hole, then I’ll end up with a broken penis,”
says Matthew, 29.
3. Her Sitting On My Face
“I love to go down on a girl, but what I don’t love
is the whole sitting on my face thing. I know
most of my friends really love it, and maybe I’m
just doing it wrong, but I can never breathe, she’s
never relaxed, and I’d rather give her oral in any
other position,” says Henry, 32.
4. Spoon Position
“I hate the spoon position. Maximum friction
between the sheets and both of you is the most
awkward work-wise (especially if you’re roughly
the same height.) And what do you do with the
arm of the side you’re lying on? The arm thing
always throws me. Worst part of all, I can picture
how it looks in the third-person, and the whole
thing is just so comical that I end up losing focus
and laughing, which is the one true boner cure,”
says Stuart, 30.
5. Leaning Back Mid-Reverse Cow Girl
“OK, let me explain myself: I love reverse
cowgirl. But what I don’t love is when a girl is
doing reverse cowgirl and she decides to lean
back against me (maybe she’s tired?), and I’m
forced to imagine my penis snapping right off at
the base. If she’s tired, I respect that, but I’d
rather we separate as opposed to she using me
as a mattress while I’m still inside her,” says
Michael, 29.
6. Missionary
“It’s just boring for me. While I like to be able to
see her face, it doesn’t really do anything for me.
I can never come in missionary, so I let her enjoy
it from that position, then move on to something
else that I prefer. I know I’m not the only guy
who says doggy always does it for me,” says
Nic, 27.
7. Anything “Too” Complicated
Collectively, all the guys I talked to agreed
that if it’s something out of a fancy shmancy
Karma Sutra type book, they’re pretty sure
they’re not going to like it. As Michael pointed
it, “If it’s from the Karma Sutra or something she
read in Cosmo, I know I’m going to pull a muscle,
throw out my back, and find myself in some yoga
position that I’ll never be able to untangle from.”
**************
– Your Tango

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